you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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