you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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