My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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