Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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