on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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