Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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