so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think a kid would responsible me up
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
