Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
