I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
