did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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