apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
