he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
