i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Vodka?
Forever.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
