at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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