just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
