Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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