hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I checked into jail on foursquare
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
