tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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