Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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