so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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