I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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