kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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