just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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