i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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