i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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