I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
