I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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