So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
