All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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