Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
