Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
