i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
