I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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