i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
