I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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