there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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