just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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