It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
