weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
