nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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