Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
tequila makes me forget i have legs
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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