i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
