I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
