Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize