hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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