come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
