I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
