dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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