I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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