Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize