Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
