i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
