can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
