i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
