farters have to be the big spoon...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
