I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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