I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
