Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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