I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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